Dine's Ethos

Questions about my adjustment to being back in American Samoa come in waves: “How do you like it here?” “You’re going to stay for good, right?” “Must be good to be home, right?” Honestly, I don’t know. I’m undecided. I feel unsettled. But I guess that’s why I made the move in the first place right? To step out of my comfort zone and find some clarity.

Work

I moved to Samoa to be the associate legal consultant for the Office of the Secretary on a 2-year contract. In this position, I am responsible for training agency Rule Reform Officers (RROs) in rule drafting and maintenance and educating them on the purpose behind rule-making. My main tasks include completing agency-wide rule reform for the Territory under the Comprehensive Administrative Rule Reform (CARR) Project and assisting and advising agency RROs on their rule reform efforts.

Day-to-day, my job involves reviewing agency regulations and statutes, assisting RROs in drafting their rules and statutory reform recommendations, attending meetings with various agencies, sending a gazillion emails and conducting legal research. Additionally, I handle any other tasks assigned by my superiors, typically involving legal memorandums or finding solutions to legal dilemmas.

This job is vastly different from what I was doing before I moved here. I used to work for a family law firm in downtown SLC before I moved to Samoa. With billable hour requirements and hearings every week, the job was very fast-paced. At my current job, the bureaucracy moves slowly. The pace is languid. There’s a lot of work that needs to be done but it’s a collaborative overhaul with many moving parts, each advancing at its own pace.

The job is necessary. The last time the American Samoa Administrative Code was published was in 1982. Where do you even begin to overhaul a system that hasn’t been updated in that long? It’s longer than I’ve been alive. My job isn’t overwhelming in the day-to-day tasks, but the big-picture view is daunting. However, it’s intriguing to know that I’m helping to change regulations that will be a part of American Samoa history. I’m getting the hang of my job and I’m excited to see where this goes.

Home

The memories of home that I have from when I was younger are markedly different from how it is now. The last time I lived here, I had just turned 18 and graduated from American Samoa Community College (ASCC). My days consisted of going to my classes at ASCC, grabbing food with friends, and working part-time at the Department of Youth & Women’s Affairs. My friends were high school classmates and new people that I had met at ASCC. Life was simple or at least in hindsight, it really was. I was blissfully naive.

Now that I’m back, I have a “big girl” job. I worry about the ramifications of what I do at work. Am I approaching this the right way? Should I word my emails differently? Are there Samoan cultural nuances I’m missing that would warrant a different approach? What’s happening politically that could affect my work? I constantly wonder about the impact of staying here on my legal career and life. Am I limiting my potential, or can I achieve more by staying? How do I balance my personal beliefs with the norms of Samoan culture? My brain is about to explode with all these questions.

Isn’t all that just boring? Lollll. I didn’t think I’d be such a lame adult.

I lived in UT for a total of 10 years. The difference between life in UT and here has been a bit disorienting for me. I miss my family. It’s weird living with family, in a home with my siblings, and now, being alone. I miss the random “Wyd. Let’s go eat somewhere.” The talks in the living room. The late-night convos in the kitchen. The laughter. My little sister just randomly coming into my room and asking me questions. The smell of baked taro when I would come home. Just the noise of other people living with me. Now, sometimes I don’t even see the outside world on the weekends.

Returning to Samoa as an adult has been quite an experience. My perspective has changed. Island time crawls, making the days feel longer, and the island itself feels small. I feel confined. I guess I’m just really homesick, lol. It’s ironic, isn’t it? Coming back to the place I grew up to see if it’s right for me, yet I miss Utah so much now.

On the plus side, I get to see the ocean every day on my way to and from work. The sunrises are beautiful, and the sunsets leave me in awe. I could spend hours just staring at the sky. I get to sit on the beach and read while my friends swim. Reconnecting with old friends feels like I never left, and I’ve made new friends as well. Members of the legal community have been very welcoming. I got to meet my nieces and nephews and spend time with family members here. The longer days give me time to do things after work. I’ve started going to Pilates and hope to eventually learn how to swim. I actually cook at home now. Most importantly, I’m doing something different for work—the entire reason I moved here.

Therapy & Friends

I’ve been seeing a therapist for a year and a half now. Initially, I saw her every other week, then once a month, and now it’s just whenever I feel like I need an appointment. Therapy sessions were always centered around my job since that consumed most of my time and effort, aside from family. Eventually, our sessions shifted to my social life—or the lack thereof. Since moving here, I’ve become a lot more social. I spend a lot of time with friends, have made new ones, and try to be spontaneous, agreeing to outings when I’d rather be in bed. So, progress has been made, lol.

I still have friends from high school and ASCC who live here, but our lives have diverged significantly. Some are caring for elderly parents, others are struggling financially, and some are deeply in love, with their significant others taking up most of their time. It’s been nearly ten years since I last lived here, which is a long time for friendships to evolve and for people to grow apart. It only makes sense that the topics that come up now in my therapy involve friendships and what boundaries I should have.

As you get older, the conversations with friends shift from schoolwork and crushes to family problems, love, financial difficulties, and existential crises. Would you feel like you’re compromising your values by being friends with individuals who make decisions that are so against your inner makings? I’ve been in the middle of an awakening period. Trying to delineate where my values begin and end. How black and white are my views? What does it say about me to keep people in my life whose actions go against who I am as an individual? Am I thinking too highly of myself by taking it to that extent? But maybe it is that deep. You eventually become your environment.

I’ve become much more emotional since moving here. Just been feeling emotionally tender lately. Staring at the sky gives me the escape I need and reading has given me a mental break.

Guilt

The guilt of moving away from my parents is ever-present. My parents are in their mid-50s. They’re relatively healthy. I know, to an extent, they’re happy for me. They’ve been extremely supportive of my move. My dad bought me a grill and an air fryer. He bought my car and shipped it to me. Then he randomly sent me $200 and said it was for my gas. (Yes, I got teary-eyed.) My mom came with me to help me settle in. Just the other day, my dad sent me $200 and said it was for food. (Yes, I cried again.) Every time I call, they are so encouraging. Just writing this is making me cry.

I’ve made a more conscious effort to text in our family group chat every day so that they know I’m alive and what I’m up to. I call my mom on the weekends, but I know that doesn’t make up for the time that I’m missing with them. I’m missing out on the family dinners. The family meals. The quality time. They’re getting older and the time that I could have with them is getting shorter.

I’m also missing out on time with my sisters. I text in our sister group chat every day. We have FaceTime calls. We update each other on what’s going on but again, I’m missing out on time. The spontaneous lunches. The random mall runs. The dining table conversations. The late-night vents. The inside jokes. The failed cooking attempts. The shared annoyance at my Dad’s relentless positivity lol. I missed my little sister’s birthday. My little sister’s graduation. I’ll miss the rest of their birthdays. Thanksgiving. Watching it all through a screen feels so unnatural.

I miss my nephew and nieces. They’ve gotten so much bigger. I ask for pictures of them all the time. Ask my sisters when they’re going to go see them. Stalk their mom’s profile for photos of them lol. I hope they remember me when I visit in a few months.

I also took a pay cut to take this job. At my previous job, I was earning more, and I was about to receive a raise and have my annual review when I resigned. That’s less money that I have to spend on my parents and my family. All the money that I used to spend on our Costco runs, treating my family to meals, buying things around the house – I don’t do that anymore because I’m here.

The guilt is ever-present.

Spirituality

I grew up in a two-religion household. My father is a Baha’i and my mother is a LDS member. For as long as I can remember, we alternated between the two religions. Some Sundays we’d go to my mom’s ward, but the majority of the time, we were involved in the Baha’i Faith. We participated in children’s classes and junior youth groups, eventually teaching these classes ourselves. We attended feasts and study circles regularly. Additionally, I attended Manumalo Baptist Academy, where I had Bible class every morning and memorized Bible verses.

When we relocated to Utah in 2009, our religious focus shifted predominantly to the LDS Church. Upon returning to Samoa in 2011, we resumed our alternating religious practices, attending seminary in the mornings and rotating between my parents’ respective faiths on Sundays. When I graduated high school in 2013, I only attended the Baha’i Faith. My little sisters and I became very active. We taught children’s classes and junior youth groups at our house. Even taught children’s classes in Happy Valley. We hosted feasts at our house.

Upon my return to Utah in 2015, our religious pattern continued, with a heavier involvement in my mom’s LDS ward. Despite not holding deep spiritual convictions, I embraced callings within the LDS Church out of obligation rather than genuine belief. Since I accepted these callings, I felt obligated to meet the expectations placed on me. That was it. I never had a testimony, and I still don’t. Right before I started law school, we moved to a different city, which meant a new ward, and I just stopped going to church. I never went back.

Since moving back to Samoa, I’ve visited different LDS wards and other churches. Nothing has resonated with me, but I feel like there should be something there spiritually. Right? I’m grappling with questions about my beliefs—uncertain if I truly believe in God or if it’s ingrained in me due to Samoan culture, my Baptist education, and my parents’ upbringing. Am I not as receptive as I think I am to any spiritual nudges? I feel like I was more open a few months ago. Now, I just feel depleted. Despite my uncertainty, I recognize the comfort it brings my parents to witness my efforts. This is another life-long journey.

Perhaps the key to finding fulfillment and clarity is through my spirituality.

To more overthinking and growth.