Dine's Ethos

I didn’t expect my post about staying in Samoa to resonate so deeply with others. I’ve gotten a lot of messages—encouraging me to go home, to be strong, to choose myself. People telling me to think beyond family. All of this has made me reflect even more.

Lately, the question that keeps coming to mind is: What if, at the end of my life, I reflect and I regret not prioritizing time with family?

When I ask that… I don’t mean to say that my family is urging me to move back to Utah or that I feel like they give me no choice. I mean that in me.. Internally. I wonder if, in the end, I’ll regret choosing professional fulfillment over making sure I’ve done everything I should as a daughter, as a child to my parents. Does that make sense?

Since moving here, I contribute less to my parents and my family. I contribute less to birthdays, celebrations, dinners, the random odds and ends in my parent’s house. That’s what I mean. I just give LESS because of the distance and because of the place I’m in financially when I am in American Samoa. It’s not just financial, either—emotionally, mentally, and socially, I give less because of the distance. I wonder how this might affect my relationship with my family in the long run, and if this distance will shape things in ways I don’t fully understand yet.

Of course, the grass always seems greener on the other side. After I graduated law school and started my first ‘big girl’ job, I felt like I hit a plateau. For as long as I can remember, there was always something I was working toward. In high school, I was thinking about graduation, my SATs, and getting into college. In college, I was focused on picking a major and figuring out my grad school plans. In law school, I was all about passing my classes, finding a job, and studying for the bar exam. Post-law school, it was all about bar prep. Then, when I passed the bar exam, I kind of felt like, ‘Okay, what now?’ Everything I had worked toward was checked off, and I didn’t know what was next. There wasn’t a job I was aiming for or a field I was passionate about. I felt apathetic and even questioned, ‘Is this really all my life amounts to?’ (I know. Dramatic affffffff lol). But all that overthinking led me to consider moving to American Samoa when I received a job offer.

And now that I’m here. I am yet again torn about my job. How do I balance my belief in the constitutional rights of the accused and the impact my job has on me? I feel like I’m in such a confusing point of my life. I’m afraid of making the wrong decision.

And don’t even get me started on navigating my relationship with my parents. How do you balance the heavy emotions you feel with wanting a better relationship with your family?

I guess this is what adulthood feels like.